I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
