things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
please don't ironically join a cult
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