Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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