Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
