i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
soo... how was my night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
