Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
