Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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