WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
