If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
