so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
