hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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