The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
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my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*