Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
