went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
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Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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