Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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