God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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