Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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