Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
