I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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