OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
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I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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