yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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