woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Congratulations! We have a period
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
