i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
