Michael Bay diarrhea
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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