Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
