im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
