i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
