Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.