I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.