"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash