You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
