it wasn't lemon gatorade
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dicks are not precious.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
