I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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