When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
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He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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