I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
