So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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