I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
