mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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