Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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