I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
