DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
