when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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