He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
