nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My ass is underappreciated
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
