just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
