Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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