I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
