If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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