I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
