Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Randomize
