I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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