Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
