Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
