Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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