Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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