I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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